Weird dream...

I opened up the thick green book which had the title "Imam Ghazali" printed clearly on the front hard back cover. I randomely chose a page and found one which talked about the goodness in making Zikir.

There were several qoutes from the Qur'an. One of them was as follows:-

When you have finished As-Salât (the prayer - congregational), remember Allâh standing, sitting down, and lying down on your sides, but when you are free from danger, perform As-Salât (Iqâmat­as­ Salât). Verily, the prayer is enjoined on the believers at fixed hours. (4:103)

I realized then that I haven't been doing enough Zikirs. I closed the book due to my eye-lids feeling heavy. I was feeling too tired. When is Syukur going to arrive at my apartment, I thought to myself, its already Asr time, and its not good to sleep at this hour. Shafiq was, as usual, sleeping at the lower bed of the double decker.

I couldn't resist my tiredness. So I walked to another room, and layed my body on two mattress. My eyes were shutting, so I slept on my right as I made zikir, "laillla haillallahu wahdahu lasharikala, lahulmulquwalahul hamduyuhyi wayumitu wahuwa 'ala qulisha in qadir. I repeated the Zikir several times before I fell asleep.

I dreamt of an Ustaz reading Surah Al Kahfi in a prayer place. I hid somewhere behind an object and followed his recitations. He then approached me and gave me some advice. I suddenly woke up, feeling a bit numb on my right arm. It was getting dark which meant that it was already time for Maghrib prayers. But I was shocked when I found a scrolled 10 ringgit note in my clenched right hand.

Shafiq entered the room buttoning up his clothes. I asked whether it was him who gave me the 10 ringgit note in my hand, but he didn't know about it. Syukur then called up my cellphone, and told me to wait outside as he was going to reach my apartment.

"It could have been another friend who asked you to buy some food for him before he left the apartment," said Syukur convincingly. We were on our way to the kid's place for teaching TKD. I had all my clothes and books packed in my big bag that I had brought with me and I was wearing my TKD outfit for the night. What Syukur said could have been right. Or maybe the same thing was happening as it used to a few years back with my other brothers.

"Your friend could have thought you heard him while you talked in your sleep," he said. I thought about it, and I chuckled.

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I was different than before

I looked at my reflection on the glass window as I neatly wore my Amamat on my head. I tucked in any strands of hair that hung in front of my forehead. I needed to look good for my prayers.

I looked at my reflection again and remembered Shafiq telling me, "Since when did you become so Islamic?" in which I replied, "It happened slowly". My image and my attitude was totally different now compared to last year. My hair used to be short. I used to keep eye contact with any girl I see. I walked with pride, my head would be up to show confidence, and I would walk slowly to look 'cool' and catch a girl's attention. I would have a common expression on my face that looked like some sort of gangster from the movies. I would talk in such confidence, acting cocky while being funny. An experiment which makes girls like you, in the end flirt with you. That was me a year ago when I first started college.

Now I look to the ground as I walk. I try to put a smile whenever I talk to people. I'm still trying to get used to talking with kindness and honesty. Even if I joke, I don't lie to make people laugh anymore. I try to keep away from getting into a flirty situation with a girl. I always think, what if I had a wife. How would she react if she sees me having fun or sitting next to a non-mehram girl, or touching the girl's hands or even looking at her eyes. What would my wife think? How sure are you that the girl you've dated for such a long time would be your perfect wife? Would you have as much fun as when you both dated? Or will there be a time when both of you would get bored of each other? i've left the dating game andI've left trying to impress girls with attractive qualities. We should all look forward to impressing Allah.

I picked up my roller perfume and rolled some sweet scents on my left palm. Then I rubbed both my palms together and rubbed them on my neck. I needed to smell good too. Alright, ready for prayers, I thought. I stood on the green praying mat, faced the direction of the Ka'ba, lifted both my hands to the level of my shoulders and said, "Allahuakbar".

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Video Tutorial coming up!

I rose up from the ground and stood in prayer before Allah. So far so good, I was focusing quite well.

I then thought, maybe I should teach others how to perform prayers by using my dad's camera to record every step, then upload the recorded video to YouTube.com. I'm sure that there are many others out there who don't have a teacher to teach them. Woops, I had lost focus in my prayer again. I recited Surah Al Fatihah all over again and tried to keep my focus until I had finished my whole prayer.

I took out my camera from my big bag of clothes that was under my study table and placed the camera in various angles while it recorded me doing each step for performing prayers. On every few minutes, I took a short glance at Shafiq sleeping at the lower bed of the double-decker just to make sure he didn't see what I was trying to do. After playing back a few recorded videos, I noticed some mistakes I made in my steps, and recorded the step again until I had done it correctly. Doing so really is worthwhile. O Allah, may you bless me for the effort and may this effort bring goodness to me and goodness to those who watch. Ameen.

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Having Three jobs and a wife

"But I thought you wanted to become an Ustaz..." replied Sobri through our usual internet chat.

I kept my fingers to myself, thinking about how I should reply to him. He seemed frustrated after I clarified that I wanted to teach younger generations about Islam as a part-time job. The last time he offered me the job, I agreed to becoming an Ustaz, but maybe he misunderstood me about taking it as a part-time job. I don't want to waste 3 years studying architecture, and later waste the knowledge and not pay up the debts I owe to PTPTN.

"I was actually thinking about becoming an Ustaz as a part-time job" I replied.
"When the end of times are really close, teaching Islam as a part-time wouldn't be enough," he replied before I kept silent again. He then typed, "well, I can't force you, but if you can't become an Ustaz, then maybe you can financially back me up in teaching Islam.
"Well, doing so wouldn't be much of a problem to me," I replied.
"Alhamdulillah," he replied.

After a while, he went offline after I answered his peace greeting. Things aren't working out as I planned. I was later told that you wouldn't have free time to do part-time jobs like teaching Taekwon-do everyweek while you work under an architectural firm. I would be working day and night for the architecture firm. Did I make a mistake in taking architecture as my career? I really wish I could do two jobs or three at once. at least teach Islam maybe once a week and or teach TKD at least once a week too. But as Sobri said, when the end of times are nearing, teaching part-time wouldn't be enough. There would be a lot of teenagers who want to learn how to perform prayers properly. They aren't to be blamed, the ones to be blamed are the older ones. You can clearly see the adults making mistakes in jum'ah prayers.

Working day and night under an architecture firm while teaching TKD and being an Ustaz too? Would there be time for me to take care of my future family?! Would there?!?! All these thoughts, they lessen my enthusiast in searching for a future spouse. Especially when you hardly find a muslim girl who would at least wear the proper Hijab. Nowadays, most of the muslim sisters I know have a boyfriend. It saddens me. Don't they know that Allah s.w.t ordered us to stay away from fitnah? Why do they choose to have fun disobeying?!?!? O Allah, I am stuck. I need Your help so much. Help me decide what to do for my future. Help me find a future spouse who fears you, loves you, obeys what you have ordered us to do. It is You I worship, and it is You I ask for help.

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There is still ample time

It gets tiring, you see someone that you're interested in, without even talking to her, you would know that she wouldn't be the one for you. Its like, her looks would be good enough, but you find that her faith in religion does not reach expectations. It gets frustrating. Then you see another, and the same thing happens, again and again. I should just take a break. Surely, theres very little possiblilty that I'd get married within 3 or 4 years. All because of the change in time when you have to get at least a degree to get married. So why must I rush? Maybe I'd like to take a year and just forget about searching. InshaAllah, I will find the perfect spouse.

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A part from my diary

It was nearly 2.30pm and I was on my way to my english class that I supposedly thought was to start at 1 pm. I was worried. I didn't want my attendance to be marked as absent from class. Better late than never, I thought that maybe rushing into class and signing a last minute attendance was going to save me from failing the course.

I was keeping my eye on the road thinking and thinking about how to overcome my worries as my mum drove the white van to my apartment. I heard that being worried about worldy things would get you into trouble. So I kept thinking of God to relieve my worries. I kept thinking, if I actually miss class, then maybe that would be God's decision for me. I kept thinking, if I fail my course, then maybe God would have better plans for me in the future. Those thoughts helped me during the rush hour. But I was still constantly asking God to send blessings upon His last messenger because I was still worried. The lazy me fell asleep and missed the previous night prayer. Up till now I still feel ashamed.

"Don't you want to go to class first?" my mum asked, "You can leave your bags with the gaurds instead."

"Its Ok," I replied, "theres plenty of time to go up to my apartment and leave the bags in my room."

I tried smiling in patience. Smiling is what the Prophet of God would do. What a fine example to follow.

I reached the apartment and noticed Fendy and Ardi still sleeping in the living room. I woke them up and asked why they weren't attending the english class.

"Isn't English tomorrow?" replied one of them. I was relieved. Thank you God, thank you!

My mum dropped me by the main college gate after I left my bags in the apartment. I wanted to hang around in college to do something useful, maybe read some books or finish editing the Amity Camp videos. Oh yea, the videos. Its been such a pain editing them now that my old laptop was stolen and sold away. The more I think about my stolen laptop, the more frustrated I get. I'm sure God let it happen for a reason.

I entered the class occupied by semester 3 students. They were having a tutorial design session. Mr. Hayazi didn't mind me sitting around to see what was going on during the session. I took out the book "Inilah Akidah Muslim" and read it while I enjoyed my time bugging Irfan while was working on his 3D work. Bella eventually saw me reading the book, and told her friends out loud what book I was reading. I covered the title of the book from them to prevent myself from getting the "show off" feeling.

Attraction can weaken your faith. I couldn't stop laying my eyes on one of the students. I find it hard to lower my gaze since her clothing had attractive colours; a pink headscarf that matched with a white-combined-with-pink skater shoe. If my memory serves me right, she was wearing the usual jeans with the three-quarter long sleeve shirt. Her clothing may have some modesty in it (in which she has my respect because of the headscarf she wore) but the modesty isn't fulfilled since she wears cute clothing that catches your attention. I want to tell her, but I've never conversed enough with her to tell her straight in the face that what she wears isn't religiously correct. I don't want to be questioned in the day of resurrection for not telling.

I want to love God above all. I want Him in my heart at all times. But all these worldly obstacles distract me. Its like my faith keeps fluctuating. O Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful, forgive me for forgetting, verily you are the One Who never forgets.

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Back to Blogging?

To tell you the truth, I have lack of knowledge when it comes to the Malay language compared to the average Malay citizen. I really do. But I read a blog post a while ago written in Malay. A long post indeed. I'd usually read the first paragraph of a long written article or blog, then scroll down to see how long the post would be before I move on to something else. But the blog post I read had somehow interest me, and made me want to read more till I read through every sentence. There was something about how well written it was. Its vocabulary and grammar was outstanding to me. I understood it, although there were a few words that I never heard of here and there. I was fascinated by the mature thoughts of the writer. At last, it reminded me of a passion I once had, that was writing. And now, I have that passion burning in me as I am typing this once again.

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